Forgiveness is one of the most challenging things we are called to do, especially when it involves our parents. If you grew up feeling unloved, neglected, or emotionally distant from them, it’s easy to carry that pain into adulthood. But holding onto that hurt can weigh you down, affecting your relationships, self-esteem, and even your walk with God. Forgiving your parents isn’t just for their benefit. It’s an important step in your healing, and with God's help, it becomes possible.
Understanding Their Brokenness
As children, we often expect our parents to be our primary source of love, protection, and care. But what happens when those expectations aren’t met?
When a parent is emotionally distant, unavailable, or even hurtful, it can leave lasting scars. As adults, however, we may realize that our parents are human, too. They may have been dealing with their unresolved trauma or emotional pain.
During my childhood, most of my emotional needs went unmet. My mother struggled a lot with mental health issues. While my father was a good provider—making sure we had a roof over our heads, food on the table, and the basics like heat and clean clothes—he was emotionally unavailable. Neither parent could show affection, love, or nurture us. This left a massive void in my life, and I’m sure it affected my siblings, too.
Imagine having a parent who never showed affection or rarely said, "I love you." And when they did say it, there were always conditions attached. Growing up, that likely left you feeling rejected or unworthy of love. But as you age, you might have realized your parents came from a home where love wasn’t openly expressed either. They never learned how to show affection because no one modeled it for them. Understanding this can open the door to compassion. While it doesn’t erase the hurt, it can help you shift from blame to empathy.
Ephesians 6:2-3 tells us to “Honor your father and mother—this is the first commandment with a promise—so that it may go well with you and you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
That doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your parents did or do. It’s more about offering them respect and acknowledging that they are, or were, human, with their flaws. Sometimes, honoring them might mean maintaining a respectful distance while you focus on your healing.
Forgiveness Is a Spiritual Act of Release
A big misconception about forgiveness is that it lets the other person “off the hook” or downplay the harm they caused. But in reality, forgiveness is about setting yourself free. When we hold onto grudges, we stay trapped in a cycle of pain, resentment, and bitterness that only hurts us.
Jesus reminds us in Matthew 6:14-15, “If you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father won’t forgive your sins.”
Maybe you had a mom who never recognized your achievements or encouraged you, leaving you feeling invisible. That neglect likely caused you to seek approval in other areas of life or left you with a deep sense of inadequacy. Holding onto that resentment keeps you tied to the pain she caused, replaying those memories over and over. But with God’s help, forgiveness lets you release that hurt. It doesn’t mean what happened was okay, but it frees you from letting it control or define your life.
The Role of Therapy in the Healing Process
I've learned that forgiving your parents is often a gradual process, and it’s okay to seek professional help to guide you through it. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in this journey, especially when combined with prayer and seeking God’s wisdom.
I'm a huge believer in therapy.
My first solo therapy session was around 25, and at the time, I was carrying a lot of resentment toward my parents, especially my father. I felt neglected, rejected, and weighed down by years of verbal and emotional abuse. So, I decided to seek help. I went through several therapists because finding the right therapist is like finding the right hair stylist, cleaner, or partner—you have to try a few before you find the one who truly gets you and makes you feel heard.
The role of therapy in the healing process is invaluable.
If you grew up with a parent who struggled with substance abuse, you know how hard it was. Day after day, the chaos and emotional neglect became normal. The unpredictability of your home life may have left you walking on eggshells, and you're never sure which version of your parent you'd face.
As a child, you may have felt invisible, scared, or even responsible for the mess. Those deep wounds—abandonment, instability, lack of emotional support—don’t just disappear when you grow up. You carry them into adulthood, and those scars show up in ways you might not even recognize, like trust issues, fear of intimacy, or the need for constant approval.
In therapy, you begin the tough but necessary work of unpacking all that pain. It’s a process that’s uncomfortable but freeing. You look at how those childhood experiences shaped who you are today, how the neglect may have made you a people-pleaser, or how the chaos might have made you afraid of conflict.
I'm sure, like me, if you dig deeper, you also learn to set boundaries and protect yourself from falling back into those patterns. It’s not about ignoring or forgetting what happened; it’s about learning to stop letting it control your life.
Confronting old wounds.
As I said earlier, forgiveness is part of the journey. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t mean excusing the pain caused. But through therapy, you can start to let go of the anger and resentment you’ve been holding onto for so long. With a therapist’s guidance, you learn how to process the hurt without being consumed. You find healthy ways to cope with those feelings and regain control of your life.
Slowly, you confront those old wounds, not to relive the pain but to release it finally. Therapy becomes a space where you learn to heal, set boundaries, and forgive—not just your parent(s) but yourself. Through that healing, you create a future not defined by the past.
Therapy is hard work, but it’s work that leads to freedom.
Pro tip: A skilled therapist can help you explore your feelings, recognize patterns that no longer serve you, and develop coping mechanisms to navigate the complexities of your relationship with your parents.
Combining Therapy with God’s Guidance
Forgiving your parents is a crucial part of the healing journey, and prayer and therapy play a vital role. Forgiveness isn’t something you choose once and then it’s over; it’s a daily practice. Some days, it feels easier, but the pain can resurface on others. That’s why seeking therapy and God’s guidance through prayer is so important. You can ask the Lord to give you the strength to forgive and trust your therapist to help guide you through the steps you must take.
Colossians 3:13 reminds us, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
This verse is powerful because it teaches us that we are called to forgive, not because it’s easy or natural, but because we have been forgiven. Forgiveness can be a difficult journey, especially when the wounds run deep. That’s where the combination of therapy and God’s guidance becomes such a gift.
Therapy helps us work through the layers of hurt and pain while relying on God to soften our hearts and give us the strength to release what we’ve been holding onto. Together, these tools remind us that we don’t have to carry the burdens of the past forever; we can step into the freedom God has already promised us, embracing the healing He offers.
Building the Life You Deserve
You probably already know this, but it’s worth saying that forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation.
If your parents are toxic or emotionally unsafe, setting boundaries is not only healthy but necessary. You can forgive them without needing to rebuild the relationship. Forgiveness is about healing your heart and breaking free from the chains of bitterness.
Take the example of someone who had to cut ties with a parent due to ongoing emotional abuse. While they no longer speak, through therapy and prayer, they have learned to forgive their parent for the pain caused. This forgiveness doesn’t mean inviting that person back into their life; instead, it means releasing the resentment so they can live freely without the burden of anger.
Joel 2:25 offers a powerful promise: “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” God can restore the broken parts of your life, even those that seem beyond repair.
Forgiveness opens the door for God’s healing and restoration so you can start building and living the life you deserve.
Embracing God’s Plan for Your Life
When you forgive your parents and lean on God for guidance, you open the door to a life filled with freedom, peace, and purpose. You’re no longer defined by the pain of your past but by God’s incredible love for you. By combining therapy, prayer, and Scripture, I believe you can walk through forgiveness and healing one step at a time.
Remember, forgiveness isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey. It takes time, and that’s okay. Just know that God is with you every step of the way. When you release your parents from the weight of their mistakes, you’re not just setting them free; you’re freeing yourself. It’s a step towards living the abundant, joy-filled life that God has in store for you.
Have you struggled with forgiving your parents? How has God helped you in that process? Share your experiences in the comments below.
Janette Owens is the founder of Be Inspired For Real and owner of Be Inspired For Real LLC. She loves everything inspirational and has spent most of her life inspiring and motivating others through humor, prose, exhortation, and God's grace. Janette is the author of A Swan Song, an intimate collection of poems and short stories. Janette lives just outside of Memphis, Tennessee.
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